Order in the Court!
by straw honey
Summary: Sanji stumbles upon something in the laundry room that he doesn't like at all. In his mad manhunt to figure out who committed such a terrible crime, he challenges his prime suspect Luffy to something completely unconventional: he sues him. Watch the demise of a man and the rise of something great unfold in the court room. LuNa as well as a tiny bit of ZoSan.
1. Sanji Sues

Order in the Court!

Ch. 1 Sanji Sues!

AN: Even though I want to focus on the stories I have now, I really wanted to start this one. This is a different change of pace than what I usually do. This is going to be a nonsensical humorous story. I hope you enjoy!

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"Oh course Robin-chan I will be your knight in shining armor," Sanji whispered, while closing his eyes.

Turning around with his eyes still shut, Sanji mused, "Nami-san it is okay there is enough of me to go around."

Swerving his head back around, he said, "of course Robin-chan ... I will always be by your side." Leaning his head forward, he puckered his lips as he came in contact. "Your lips are just as sweet as flowers," Sanji said, as he began using his tongue. "I love you Ro—"

"What the fuck are you doing with my shirt!" Zoro yelled from the door way.

Quickly putting the pieces of cloth to his sides, Sanji turned towards his sudden intruder. "What the hell are doing in here shitty Marimo?"

"I came to check up on you, because you do a shit job with everything ... and I see you rubbing your ugly ass face on my clothing!" Zoro retaliated.

"I was inspecting it for shit stains, knowing your the biggest moss head baby on this ship!" Sanji fired back.

With a slight smirk, Zoro scuffed, "Bullshit." Stepping away from the door frame Zoro made his way over towards the cook. "I think you're just the thirstiest cook on the Grand Line is all."

Sanji's curly brow furrowed as he grit his teeth. "Oh yeah? At least I can get girls! All you do is play with swords all day …" Sanji said as a grin of his own formed atop his beard. "I wouldn't be surprised if you play with other men's swords," he ended, as he pulled a smoke out of his front pocket.

Zoro's face instantly scrounged, as the veins on his forehead became visible. "You shitty …" he mouthed as he got face to face with his advisory. Gritting his teeth, he grabbed the hilt of his sword as he leaned towards him.

Sanji hadn't change face, in fact he puffed his cigarette, unfazed by his blatant hostility. As the smoke hit Zoro's nostrils, his face twitched in devil like anger. Letting go on the grip of his sword, he flung both his hands forward, grasping at his neck.

Caught off guard by the fact that Zoro wasn't using his swords, he kneed him hard in his nether region. The force caused Zoro fall backwards, but Zoro had such a tight hold of his neck, that he brought Sanji down with him.

"LET'S END THIS!" they yelled at the same time. Their eyes filled with all the pent up hate they had for each other over the years.

"Yohohohoho! How romantic!" the tall skeleton broke in.

They both paused in their death battle, only to feel the color drain from their faces.

"I knew you guys would work it out!" Brook cheered, as he walked back towards the door. "Just make sure to wear protection! You never know what you will find on the Grand Line! Yohohohoho!" Brook laughed as he closed the door behind him.

As soon as the door shut, the two instantly pushed off of each other.

"Just clean the damn laundry," Zoro ordered as he got to his feet. Making his way to the door, some of the color came back to his face.

"I ain't cleaning your shitty ass clothing moss head!" Sanji yelled as the door slammed shut. "Shitty swordsman," Sanji muttered, as he went back over towards the dirty clothes.

"Why do I have to clean their shitty clothing?" Sanji complained as he put a new cigarette to his mouth. "I get my stuff dry cleaned! And them …" he recalled, taking a puff of his smoke. Lifting up a dirty hamper, Sanji turned it upside, allowing the content to fall to the floor.

"Shitty bastards should do it themselves," he reasoned, as he began to separate the clothing. Though as he did, his attention focused on a particular piece of clothing. Stopping what he was doing, he leaned down and grabbed a hold of the cloth. Lifting it up to his face, his nose instantly flared with blood as he began swooning.

"Nami-san! Robin-chan!" Sanji cheered as his eyes were replaced with hearts. "This delicate piece of clothing has touched one of their holy places!" he proclaimed, as he began to rub the piece of cloth against his face, much like he did with Zoro's clothing moments before. Though his love moment quickly ended as his eyes met the dirty clothing on the ground.

"The angels already did their laundry yesterday, and the shit heads do their laundry today," he remembered, as he began to stare blankly at the piece of white cloth in his hand. "What is it doing here?" he asked himself. His face inflamed in anger as he breathed, "it must have been one of those perverts!" Taking off with lightning speed, he carefully placed the piece of cloth in his pocket as he rushed out the door.

"Franky! Brook! Where are you!" he sheathed as he began his mad manhunt.

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"Which one of you shit heads did it?" Sanji hissed.

"Did what?" Franky asked while looking up from his work.

"You guys finished up that quickly?" Brook asked while turning towards the cook. "Back in my day I could last much longer! Oh wait I don't have a pe—"

"I get it!" Sanji broke in before he could finish his perverted sentence. "Which one of you shitty bastards stole panties from the beautiful ladies of this ship?" he asked, while taking out the small piece of clothing from his pocket.

"Super catch!" Franky exclaimed moving closer to Sanji to get a better look. "Where did you find those?" he asked while staring at the undergarments.

Two bony hands came down on the piece of clothing, which Sanji instantly kicked away. "What's the deal Sanji? It's not like you like women anyways," Brook reasoned.

"I don't like guys you shitty skeleton!" Sanji yelled, as he began to put the piece of clothing back in his pants.

"But I saw you and Zoro getting it on in the laundry room! Yohohohoho!" Brook exclaimed as he attempted to reach for his pocket.

"You had sex with the swordsman?" Franky asked in disbelief, "I would have never known."

Stepping away from the oncoming deviants, Sanji yelled in defense, "I did not having sexual relations with that dumbass cactus!"

"But I saw you and Zoro having a romantic moment at Punk Hazard!" Brook remembered.

"No! The shitty bastard probably tried to save Nami-san from falling!" he argued as he backed up towards the door.

"I don't know about that ..." Brook grinned as the two surrounded him. "If he really cared about Nami he wouldn't have thrown her body on the ground! I think he got embarrassed that somebody was watching you two! Yohohohoho!" Brook laughed as he attempted to reach for the panties again.

"I have had enough of you two!" Sanji yelled as he kicked both of them hard across the face.

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"Who else could it be?" Sanji asked himself as he stood over the beaten up bodies. "The shitty swordsman came in to check up on me ... the bastard" he muttered as he rushed out of the room.

Running outside onto the deck, he could see the swordsman peacefully taking a nap against the railing. Stomping his way over to him, Sanji complained, "shitty Marimo! You better explain yourself!"

Opening up his good eye slowly, he could see the furious cook. "What the hell do you want curly brow?"

"I know you did it!" Sanji yelled, as he took out the piece of the cloth from before. "You stole this from my angels didn't you!" he asked, thrusting the panties into his face.

Swatting his hand away, Zoro responded, "sue me." Closing his eye, he leaned more against the railing.

"Do you want to start this up again?" Sanji asked as he puffed smoke towards his face.

Opening up his eye once again, he smirked, "gladly."

"I have seen those before," the young captain cut in, pointing at the piece of cloth. The air became intensely silent, until the swordsman broke out into a fit of laughter.

"Do you hear that curly brow? Looks like Luffy is getting some from one of the women!" Zoro said as he continued to laugh. Sanji's anger slowly turned towards the young man. He only became more hot tempered with Zoro's non stop laughter.

"If we weren't pirates, I would sue you for what you just said!" Sanji breathed,as his hands turned into fist.

Unknowingly, the trio had attracted onlookers. "Sue him? As in court?" Usopp asked.

"Just like Enies Lobby?" Chopper questioned as his eyes turned into stars. "Lets have a court hearing!" Chopper cheered, as he moved towards the trio.

"A court would sound super fun!" Franky added from the side.

"That was only a j—" Sanji said, but was cut off by more of the crew chiming in.

"I haven't been to a court in years! That's because I am dead! Yohohohoho!" Brook laughed.

"Yeah since were pirates we can't go to court!" Usopp exclaimed. Puffing out his chest, he pointed to himself. "I should be the judge because I was a judge once," he lied, looking off towards the sea pompously.

Both the captain and the reindeer looked at him with awe. Though Luffy snapped out his gaze, complaining, "but I want to be the judge! I am the captain."

"You stupid rubber idiot! You are the defendant and I am the prosecutor!" Sanji corrected him but gasped at his error. "I didn't mean we will have a co—" he tried to explain, but was cut off again.

"I think I should be the judge," Zoro cut in as he stretched his hands above his head.

"You being the judge? You're the laziest piece of shit on this crew! I think it should b—"

"Robin!" Chopper explained as the group turned towards the approaching figure. "Robin we are going to have a court case can you please be the judge?" Chopper asked.

"Of course. Anything for you Chopper," Robin smiled.

Sanji turned around, glaring at the little reindeer jealously. "If Robin-chan wants to be the judge, then I will have to take you to court!" he finished, pointing at Luffy without even looking at him. "I will see you in court!" he said as he began to walk away.

"Where is the court going to be?" Luffy asked, seeing Sanji come to a halt.

"I think it is only right that we participate in a gentlemen like place ... the kitchen" he finished, gazing off with a look of reverence.

"Gentlemen my ass," Zoro yawned as he closed his good eye.

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AN: What did you guys think? Was it at all funny? I would like to hear what you guys think if you can. "I did not have sexual relations with that dumbass cactus!" Oh boy Bill Clinton would be proud haha.

I now realize that the whole interaction between Zoro and Sanji can be considered ZoSan. So I don't know, that can be the pairing for this story if you guys want. Unless you guys want me to do ZoRo, completely up to you guys.

On a side note, college is starting up in about five days, so I will probably write less often. However, I will do my best to provide you guys on a regular basis. Anyways...have a nice day! (or if you are reading this at night ... good night :) — no I am not going to use the winky face emoji!)


	2. Jury of Peers?

Order in the Court!

Ch. 2 Jury of Peers?

AN: I am glad you guys found the story funny!* (Or maybe you guys said it cause you felt pity for me XD) Anyways I kinda had a revelation with my life, to summarize I ended up deleting and donating all my video games today in order to focus more on the stuff that matters. Though one part of me is like: what I am I gonna do now XD. Jk I spend the majority of my free time on youtube anyways haha.

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"Order!" Robin yelled as she slammed her gavel on to the kitchen table.

The blonde and the green haired man glanced away from each other, before continuing their bickering.

Sighing, Robin crossed her hands across her chest. The two immediately stopped talking, as several popping noises could be heard. After abrupt grunts, and a muttered attempt at 'Robin-chan' the two stopped what they were doing.

Looking around the room, Robin spoke, "We are going to have to choose roles." The men in room all agreed with a mixture of head nods and smiles. "We must first choice a jury" she spoke again, this time receiving groans. "Since we don't have many people, everyone except Luffy and Sanji must go through jury selection."

"But why do we have do it?" Franky complained.

"Yeah all we do is sit there! That hurts my butt after a while! Oh wait I don't have a butt! Skull Joke!" Brook exclaimed.

Looking blankly at the disheartened group Robin continued, "for this trial ... the jury has the final say."

Almost all the men turned towards her with stars in their eyes. All except a green haired man and a certain chef whose jaw crashed to the ground.

"I want to be on the jury!" everyone except Sanji yelled at the same time.

"Objection!" Sanji yelled as he slammed his fist on the table. "With my deepest and longing respect Robin-chan, I can not allow these shit heads to dictate this!" he said, as he pointed towards the excited group.

"Overruled," Robin said. Sanji's jaw seemingly broke through the floor from the news.

"But this is against the law! If we were in a real co—" Sanji tried to explain.

"I am the rule of law!" Robin threatened as she crushed her gavel against the kitchen table.

Sanji found himself without words, as a silent swordsman put a hand to his shoulder. "I think those panties belong to you," Zoro mocked as he dodged a spiteful black leg.

"Shitty Marimo! Last time I checked you wear diapers, because all you do is eat, sleep, and shit!" Sanji sheathed as he reached for his front pocket.

"How would you know if I wear diapers?. Don't tell me your ga—"

"Don't speak you sh—" Sanji broke in, but was overshadowed by someone's booming voice.

"Of course he likes men! Yohohohoho! He likes you! Unless of course you really are a women," Brook mocked as he began to break out into a fit of laughter. The remaining crew members laughed as well, though Zoro and Sanji remained speechless.

"That's right! Weren't you guys making lo—"

"Shut the hell up you shitty cyborg! And you too you shitty skeleton!" Sanji yelled as his feet began to erupt with flames. Jumping into the air, Sanji was bent on making a shoe mark on both the perverts faces. An inch away from Brook's skull, Sanji abruptly stopped in mid air, as his joints began to pop in various places.

"There will be no violence in this court!" Robin yelled, as she pointed towards the mangled mess on the floor. "Are we understood?" she asked with less venom.

"Yes Robin-chan~!" Sanji proclaimed in his dysfunctional form. Unfazed by his injuries, Sanji got up with hearts in his eyes as he chased around the table. Pulling out a rose from his front pocket, he got to his knee as he approached the raven haired judge. "Robin-chan the way you held me so tight ... shows me that you must have come from the heavens, and I devoted bel—"

"Enough of this bullshit! Let's get this on the road!" Zoro complained. The swordsman took a deep huff as he glanced away with a frown.

With a slight smirk, Robin looked towards the disgruntled man. "Zoro, since you're so adamant about starting this, why don't you answer Sanji's questions first," she asked.

Turning towards her, he smiled and said, "gladly."

"You can't allow this shit head t—" he mouthed, but stopped when he saw Robin's serious demeanor.

"Sanji you have an opportunity to create a jury that is impartial," she instructed as she pointed towards the group. "Ask them any kind of question to show if they have any heavy biases. This is your opportunity to control the court," she said.

"My pleasure Robin-chan!" he announced as he ran back around the table. The hearts in his eyes were replaced with fire and hateful vengeance towards all the men making a mockery of him. "All right shitty Marimo. Ready to make a fool of yourself?" he asked as he took out a cigarette.

"I was going to ask that same question," Zoro replied with a devilish smirk.

Ignoring his comment, Sanji looked over towards the excited bunch. "This case involves the theft of one of my angels property by that shitty bastard!" Sanji yelled as he pointed towards the carefree smiling captain. "Have any of you heard of his thievery previous to this court case?"

"Of course! You have been blabbering about it all day!" Zoro complained as he took a seat.

"I still don't see why you want those panties," Brook said as the cook's eyebrow furrowed in response.

Smirking at Brook, Sanji ignored Zoro's insult as he approached the tall skeleton.

"Brook and Franky …" he began, as he looked over towards the cyborg, then back towards the bony man. "Would you identify yourselves as perverts?" he asked with a satisfied smile.

"I would never!" Brook claimed. Though when Sanji revealed the white cloth from before, he began to chuckle. "I do say! Would you be so kind as to show me your pan—" he said, before getting kicked hard across his skull.

"Franky," Sanji said as he moved towards the man. " Do you or do you not identify as being a pervert?"

"Of course I am not a pervert!" Franky exclaimed as he looked towards the side. "I have no idea what you are talking about!" he argued, as he backed away from the incoming cook.

"What is one of your moves called again?" he asked as he got right in front of him. "That's right I forgot!" he yelled, kicking Franky's bare shin hard.

Leaping back in pain as his metal legs abruptly came forward, Franky painfully cried, "HENTA—!"

His voice became inaudible as multiple hands spread across his metal body. With a short series of cracks and pops the cyborg crashed to the ground.

Taking the cigarette out of his mouth, Sanji approached the table again. "As you can see these men have heavy biases. I cannot allow these shit heads to have the last say. That's why I ask you to remove Brook and Franky from the jury," he ended, putting the cigarette back in his mouth.

"Then it's settled," Robin replied, as Sanji began to spin in circles professing his love. "Usopp, Chopper, and Zoro will serve on jury," she announced, as Sanji stopped mid swoon.

"What?" he gasped as his cigarette fell to the floor. "That shitty swordsman is the most biased bastard here! You can't allow him to sit on jury!" he tried to dissuade.

"We simply don't have enough jurors," Robin said with her usual poker face.

"But Robin-chan" he begged. Though he could tell her attention was elsewhere.

"All we need now is a defendant and someone to record this court case." Robin exclaimed with a silent grin.

"I could totally combine the dials with one of my inventions to make a super recorder!" Franky yelled as he got to his feet.

"And I can be the lawyer to see more of those panties! Yohohohohoho!" Brook cheered as he looked over to the defeated cook.

Yeah we can finally start!" Luffy cheered, seeing that everyone had a job. Though when he caught sight of the cook he moved over to him with a slight frown. "What's wrong? The court hasn't even started!" Luffy reasoned as he put a hand on his shoulder.

Sanji still had a tight hold of the cloth but brought it out for his adversary to see, "what's the point? The jury is filled with Marimos—"

"What the hell is going on here?" the feisty navigator yelled. All of sudden, Luffy found himself pushed towards his furious nakama.

"What the hell are you doing with my clothing?" Nami sheathed, her hands had already formed into clenched fist.

Looking down, Luffy felt his hands clench and unclench the cloth between his fingers. Looking back towards her he tried to explain. "Hey Nami! We were about to have a court case to see who took this!" he announced as he started to twirl the cloth around with his pointer finger. "Do you want to pla—?"

"This is not a game!" she yelled as she repeatedly wailed on the young man.

"Court is adjourned until further notice" Robin announced as the rest of the crew nodded in agreement. As the rest of the crew finished piling out of the room, Luffy's brushed and beaten body wailed:

"I didn't do it!"

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I know it's a short chapter :P I was just trying to set up the funny but ludicrous court case to come. And yeah I changed my profile picture to the dial Nami had from the movie Strong World. I just felt the dial is an accurate representation of the LuNa pairing. Basically the pairing is madly hinted at by Oda, but he is keeping it just out of reach (making it officially canon) just like the dial.


	3. Opening Statements

Order in the Court!

Ch. 3 Opening Statements

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Stopping her fist for a moment, Nami yelled, "what do you mean you didn't do it?"

Weakly putting up his hands, through his swollen face, he squealed, "I didn't do it Nami!"

Looking down at the black eyed boy she huffed. "Why should I believe you?" she asked while crossing her arms across her chest.

"You don't" he said as he looked around blindly for his strawhat. Finding it, he silently placed the straw hat over his inflated head. "That's why we are in court …" he mouthed, adjusting the hat over one of his steaming lumps. "Doesn't that sound fun?" Luffy asked as his tone turned childish again.

"No! It's not fun!" she screamed as she landed a punishing hit on the top of his head.

As the whimpering and the hitting died down, the rest of the crew began to pile back into the kitchen. The two younger crew members looked on with terror, while the older ones were seemingly apathetic.

After Luffy crawled into his chair, and Nami stormed over to a vacant chair against the wall, Robin lightly hit her gavel.

"Good afternoon," Robin announced with a smile.

"Good afternoon Robin-chaaaaan!" Sanji replied as his eyes turned into hearts.

"Hey love cook. Stop being so thirsty, alright? If you want a glass of water you can grab one from the table."

"What was that you shitty swordsman?" Sanji asked as he stomped his way towards the laid back man.

"Don't waste your breath" Zoro mused, not even bothering to acknowledge his presence.

"You shitty swordsman!" Sanji yelled as he attempted to kick his head against the table. Though his foot got stuck, causing him to fall forward. Looking for something to balance himself, Sanji leaned forward grabbing onto one of Zoro's swords.

Feeling one of his precious katanas leave him, Zoro threw his chair backwards, grabbing a hold of the cook's wrist. While Sanji fell forward, Zoro was pulled out of his chair. With a loud clash of plates hitting the floor, the two were hard pressed against each other. Looking up, the swordsman could barely discern meshes of blond hair sprawled across his vision, as well as a twitching curly brow.

Brook looked on laughing the whole time. "I told you they were ga—"

"Shut the hell up!" both of them yelled. Turning their eyes back towards their adversary, their raging anger quickly turned into ghost like horror.

"Get the hell off me!" Zoro yelled as he released his hold on the cook's hand.

"I can't get up you shitty bastard" Sanji shouted as he continued to pull on the sword.

"Let go of my sword you dumb bastard!" Zoro yelled as he reached his hand over for one of his katanas.

The skeleton and the cyborg continued to laugh hysterically. Franky suggested, "No! They are _super_ ga—"

"That's it you shitty cyborg!" Sanji yelled as he pushed Zoro off of him, giving him enough space to perform a lightning fast kick.

"I have had enough of your shitty jokes Brook!" Zoro sheathed at the same time, leaping towards the hysterical group.

A single piece of hair touched the ground as several bones popped in different places. Everyone watched in silence, as the tall skeleton held onto the fallen hair as though the world had ended.

"My hair!" Brook cried as he looked over towards the mangled pair.

"What now? You shitty skeleton!" Sanji asked while stumbling to his feet.

"You can hurt a man," Brook started as he combed the piece of hair. "You can kill a man," he spoke as he stared at the string in his bony hand. "But …" he added, as his skeleton hands surrounded the tiny hair. "You can never mess with a man's hair!" he yelled as deep fire formed in his non existent eyes.

Cutting in the groups standoff, Robin spoke, "now that everyone is here, I would like both sides to present an opening statement." Seeing the look of confusion on both inexperienced attorneys faces, she explained, "that means you need to present your case in a timely matter."

Standing up straight, Brook huffed, "I will go first." Giving a death glare to the cook, he approached the table with silence.

"Four scores and seven years ago I stood in front of a court!" Turning towards the cook, he yelled, "falsely accused!" Fixing his crown he huffed, "My captain has been falsely accused by this man lover!" he yelled as he pointed towards the cook. His cigarette fell to the floor. "He is innocent against any and all crimes against him!"

Walking over towards Luffy, he said, "now I know as a young man I would try to get those panties, even if I had to give a bone." Picking up Luffy's arm, he stretched it proclaiming, "But my client does not have any bones! Well ... maybe just one. Yohohohoho!" Letting go of his arm he let it stretch back into place. "All evidence set forth is not verifiable, and would not be enough to convict my client, captain, and friend." Walking back to the table, he opened his mouth to speak, but he dashed over to Luffy when he remembered something.

"Would you be so kind as to show me your panties?" he asked as the bruised boy shook his head. He merely pointed to something directly behind the skeleton as he looked away with pouted lips.

Turning around Brook repeated, "would you be so kind as to show me your panties?" he asked, completely unfazed by the fuming navigator.

"Nami-swan is so cute when she is angry!" Sanji cheered as a heavy fist was raised.

"Sanji" Robin cut in, taking the attention away from the beating. "Why don't you present your case?" she asked, signalling for him to come forward.

"Yes Robin-chan!" he cooed as he spun in circles. Stopping mid spin, Sanji adjusted his tie as he took out a smoke. "Today your loyal servant presents you a devil in disguise!" he announced as he turned towards the captain. "This bastard is the worst liar I have ever seen," he added as he began to light his smoke. "He eats everything on this ship and does nothing! Just like that shitty swordsman!" he commented. Sanji looked to the side, only to receive a smirk from the jury member.

"How can he be trusted?" Sanji argued as the whole room went silent.

"Of course we can trust Luffy! We are nakama!" Chopper explained with a deep frown.

"There is no doubt the shitty captain has done good things …" Sanji admitted, taking a puff of his cigarette.

"But has he always been honest? He says he doesn't want to be a hero, but he ends up always becoming one," he ended.

As a silence ensued Robin broke in. "This court is adjourned until after dinner" she announced, as she hit the gavel against the kitchen table.

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	4. Sanji's Investigation!

Order in the Court!

Ch. 3 Sanji's Investigation!

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"But Sanji," Luffy complained, putting an exhausted hand to his grumbling stomach.

"No! I told you already! Not until I am done with my investigation!" Sanji reaffirmed as he looked over the hungry lad with disgust. Smirking at his dissatisfaction, Sanji began to take casual steps towards the kitchen door.

"Who is going to be the cook?" Zoro mused as Sanji began to push on the door. "Oh wait. We never had a cook," he yawned as he closed his good eye.

Spinning around with furrowed curly brows, Sanji yelled, "What do you mean we never had a cook! Are you that thick headed to not know that I am the chef of this ship?"

"What chef? Last time I checked you were the garbage man," the swordsman replied. Opening up his eye, Zoro presumed that he would be in front of him, but instead he was some feet away.

"My food isn't garbage! You just have no sense of taste!" Sanji retaliated. "Just like you have no sense of direction ..." Sanji reasoned as he began to turn around.

"Oh how original," Zoro huffed, "where did you find that one?"

"Zoro, I don't think you would be able to find the joke!" Luffy chimed in as he began laughing at the now upset green haired man. Zoro's face instantly contorted as his focus turned towards the jovial captain.

"What's wrong Zoro? You can't find the right words to say?" Sanji asked as he began to light a smoke.

"Just get your dumb ass investigation over with and cook my food like a good bitch!" Zoro complained as he held himself from gripping his swords.

"You giving up that easily? Just like your parents huh?" Sanji questioned as he began to turn around. A second later, slender steel clashed with a well polished shoe, little sparks emerging from the contact.

With a huff, Sanji calmly lit a cigarette in his mouth, all the while turning back around towards the door. The two took equal paces away from each other, till door creaked open. With a yawn, Zoro took up a seat at the table, intent on getting some well needed sleep. The room remained silent until the kitchen doors finally stopped moving.

"Tough love," Brook commented, looking over at Franky who only nodded in agreement.

"Who is going to cook!?"

"I guess I can make something for you Luffy." Nami sighed, knowing all too well about the young man's appetite.

 _Nami won't make any meat,_ he thought solemnly. Feeling his stomach's painful growls, and eyeing the place he was forbidden from entering, he let his animal instincts take over.

"MEAT!" Luffy demanded as he ran madly towards the refrigerator. With lightning fast speed, he disassembled the locks, holding the bottomless pit of a captain at bay. Reaching a hand into the refrigerator, he felt a chill run up his spine once he heard his navigator's caring voice.

"Luffy~ What are you doing?" she asked. Sweat began to run down his neck, remembering all too well what had happened earlier that day.

"Oh I just wanted to help you cook," Luffy lied as he tried to back away from the refrigerator. Though as he did, he felt himself rub up against the chest of the very person he was trying to get away from. His hairs began standing straight up when he felt her hot breath on his ear. Turning towards her hesitantly, all the young man could see was the devil's reincarnation.

"You know the consequences. We can either do this the easy way, or the hard way," she offered with a malicious smile.

"The hard way!" Luffy cried as he attempted to run past her.

 _I am free at last!_ he cheered as the kitchen doors came into sight. Though as he ran, he felt he was making no progress.

"Luffy," she said. His eyes widened in terror as he braced his teeth.

 _This is the end ..._ he concluded as he felt himself getting turned around.

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"I thought Luffy was a rubber man?" Brook asked while watching the spectacle before him.

"Yeah come to think of it, I have never seen Luffy get hurt from punches or guns!" Usopp remembered, wincing whenever Nami lowered a heavy fist on top of the captain's head.

"That's true! Nami must have _super_ haki!" Franky confirmed, glancing away whenever the hits looked unbearable.

"I remember Luffy's grandpa could hurt him too!" Chopper remembered. "But he said something about the 'fist of love'." Chopper looked towards the group of onlookers. "What is love?" the little reindeer asked with complete innocence.

"There is no such thing as love." Zoro answered with a yawn.

"Thats not true! You found love with Sanji! Yohohohoho!" Brook reasoned as he began to laugh hysterically.

"I don't love that shitty ero-cook!" Zoro retaliated. The group's attention turned towards the swordsman.

"Then who do you love?" Franky asked with a smirk.

"Yes Zoro. Who do you love?" Robin finally chimed in. She smiled to herself, when she saw a deep scowl on his face. Feeling the unnecessary attention around him, he turned away from them.

"I don't love anyone, and I don't need anyone!" he sheathed as he got to his feet. He exited the kitchen into the cold night air.

"So does Nami love Luffy?" Chopper asked while looking over towards the older crew members.

"I wouldn't say that is love," Franky whispered, after watching the captain drop to the ground.

"Tough Love!" Brook added. The group began to dispense seeing the furious navigator approach them.

"But does she have the 'fist of love'?" Chopper asked, unfazed by the incoming red head.

"I think she does!" Franky yelled as he ran out of the room.

"She just might! How else could she hurt Luffy? Yohohohoho!" Brook reasoned, unaware of the ticking time bomb in front of him.

XXXXXXXXXX

"What can I use against this shitty bastard?" Sanji questioned to himself as he grabbed another dirty piece of clothing. _There is nothing in here I can use against him!_ he complained, stepping away from the dirty pile of clothing.

 _Shit! I will lose the case if I only use the cloth! That shitty swordsman will testify against me,_ he concluded. Shaking his head he tried his best to concrete. _What am I going to do?_ he thought as he moved towards the laundry room door.

"Thats right!" he yelled aloud as he dashed into the cool night air. In a quick orderly fashion, he made his way towards the deck of The Thousand Sunny. Without detection, Sanji had managed to sneak into the men's room, making a beeline towards Luffy's bed.

 _There has to be something here that I can use,_ he reasoned as he began to look through the same patterned clothing.

 _Come on! Come on!_ he impatiently demanded as he tore through the young man's dirty clothes. In his mad rage he almost lost sight of what he was looking for. "Bingo!" he yelled as he put the item into his suit. _If Nami-san's beautiful panties do not work, then this will surely do,_ he thought as he got to his feet.

"Put that down," the swordsman ordered. Sanji turned his head with a deep frown, the swordsman who had started it all was once again standing in his way.

"What does it matter to you shitty Marimo?" Sanji sheathed, not even bothering to take out a new cigarette.

"Because this isn't about the court case anymore," Zoro admitted as he pointed towards the blonde man's suit.

"What this?" Sanji asked while taking out the item from his suit. "It means nothing," he reasoned as he took a step towards the door.

"You're wrong," Zoro countered as he took a step towards him in turn. "That means a lot more to him than either of us can fathom," he stated with cool seriousness, slowly pulling a blade into the air.

"You are serious about this aren't you?" Sanji asked while putting the item back into his coat.

"Unfor—"

"Is this some kind of kinky foreplay?" Franky broke into the room, ignoring the seriousness of the situation.

"No!" they both yelled, neither of them taking a moment's glance away.

"If you want me to leave so you guys can get it on, just say the word bro." Franky explained as he began to head towards the door.

"What's going on here? Is this how you guys get into the heat of things? I remember when I could feel the heat in my—"

"Just stop with your shitty jokes!" Sanji sheathed as he turned towards the musician.

"I was just going to say cheeks! What did you think I was going to say?" Brook asked while the two slowly put their guards down.

Seeing Luffy and the others pile into the room, Zoro looked back towards the cook. "Just don't break it" he warned as he put his blades away. Without acknowledging the crews boisterous members, Zoro made his way past them, slamming the door shut behind him.

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AN: I hope this chapter was better than the last one. Once again sorry for the short chapters, I just feel like shorter chapters are the best way to go with this fic :P


	5. Dead Men

**Order in the Court!**

 **Ch. 5 Dead Men**

Inspirational song: The Write Sins Not Tragedies - Panic! At the Disco (and a couple of songs from The Killers. Honestly The Killers are so good!)

^^^ Figured I gotta switch it up ヽ(⌐■_■)ノ I spent 15 minutes looking at emoticons instead of writing (－‸ლ) *sigh* curse my self diagnosed ADHD!

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The moon cast a faint glow on the Thousand Sunny, as it slowly moved across the sky. Numerous constellations were readily apparent, lighting the bleak night with a dazzling display. The ship moved in tandem with the gentle wind, providing a cool and relaxing sea breeze. The birds of prey had retired for the day, leaving nothing but the rhythmic crashing of the waves to be heard. All was well …

"USSOP!" the young captain screamed, shaking his friend senselessly. "Where is it?" he demanded with bloodshot eyes. Looking frantically around the dizzy sniper, he shook with more vigor. The rest of the crew members slowly got up, watching the situation unfold before them.

Through his tired and groggy vision, Usopp yelled, "what is it, Luffy?" Stopping mid shack, Luffy stared into the somber eyes of the lightheaded sniper.

"You don't know do you?" Luffy asked, letting go of his shoulders.

"I don't know what you are talking about!" Usopp retaliated as he put one of his hands to his woozy forehead.

Getting to his feet, Luffy turned around towards the onlookers with a deep frown. "Did you guys take something from me?" he questioned, scratching the back of his head.

"Take what?" Chopper asked as he looked over the captain with a worried expression.

"Well you might want to ask Sanji," Franky exclaimed, turning towards the sleeping cook. "They were _super_ getting it on last night!" the cyborg cheered, making his signature pose.

Immediately, the love cook's visible eye shot open staring at the ceiling in disbelief. In one fluid motion he got to his she strolled towards him he toke out his cigarette cartoon.

"What did you say shit face?" Sanji asked as his feet erupted into flames. Lowering the cigarette to his side, he brought the now lit cancer stick to his mouth, taking a deep puff.

"He was saying that you were getting kinky with the swordsman! Things may have gotten out of hand! Yohohohoho!" Brook laughed.

Turning towards the skeleton with demonic eyes Sanji asked, "Do you want a foot up your ass for breakfast?"

"Looks like you already gave Zoro that for a late night treat!" Franky exclaimed while running away from a barrage of fiery feet.

"I remember when I could wiggle my—!" Brook exclaimed, only to receive a hard round house kick to the top of his skull. Rubbing his cranium, he exclaimed, "I was going to say my toes! Stop jumping to conclusions!"

"You shouldn't be lecturing me on jumping to conclusions!" Sanji yelled as he rose a heated foot above his skull.

"Sanji was playing with Luffy's stuff! Otherwise he wouldn't be getting so defensive! So Sanji. Who was sticking what up who's—" Franky teased, only to receive a Diablo Jambe to the face.

"Looks like he is doing more than just tossing salads! Yohohohohoho!" Brook laughed as he fell to the floor, holding onto his imaginary sides. Though his laughter quickly was suppressed, when a certain blond began curb stomping him.

"Of course he can do more than toss a salad! He is a chef after all!" Chopper exclaimed.

"No Chopper! He doesn't mean that kind of salad!" Franky tried to explain, but ended up putting up his robotic arms to block another intense attack.

"I hate salads!" Luffy complained, after he was done with his investigation. Turning towards the fighters he demanded, "Sanji make extra meat today!"

"Oh believe me, he already has a lot of meat to work with! Yohohohoho!" Brook burst into tears, knowing these were going to be his last. Veering over the musician was the devil himself. A huge fire erupted around him as the room became painstakingly hot. His eyes were drained of any life, as they were completely pail white. His teeth hung upon like a carnivorous beast, while massive horns continued to grow out of the top of his head. Breathing hot spurts of fire Sanji breathed, "YOU!"

"Sanji cool down! You're going to burn down the ship!" Usopp yelled as he attempted to put out the flames with one of his new inventions.

"I should write a last will! Of wait I am dead! Skull joke!" he laughed while the beast only doubled in size.

"Bro, I would seriously consider writing it," Franky said as he began to take slow steps away from the monster.

"I would close my eyes, but I don't have eyes! Skull joke!" he cheered again for the last time when Satan descended on him.

"Oi ero cook! Make my damn breakfast already!" the swordsman demanded as he repeatedly hit the wide open door to get his attention.

"Looks like your boyfriend came to save us!" Franky cheered as he made a dash towards the now vacant door.

Letting the comment slide from the seriousness of the situation, Zoro asked, "why are you picking on somebody weaker than you? You can't handle getting beat by somebody stronger than you?"

Turning towards the swordsman with the same satanic demeanor, he roared, "what do you want shitty Marimo?" The whole time Sanji spoke, the eternal flames of hell spewed from his bowels.

"Let's have a real duel" Zoro proposed while stepping closer to the beast. "Since you are usually too weak to face me ... the devil form you are in now may stand a chance up against me," he suggested. Two swords drew from his sides.

"You shitty, directionless, son of a bitch!" The creature growled as more flames erupted around him.

"I would get out of here," Zoro suggested to the four remaining Strawhats. Nodding in agreement, the rest of the Strawhats scampered out the room, slamming the door shut behind them. Tying his bandanna around his head, Zoro remarked, "Asura versus a demon ... now this should be interesting!" Placing the final blade in his mouth, he charged towards his adversary.

XXXXXXXXXX

"They are totally having sex." Franky said as he took his ear away from the door.

Laughing in agreement Brook mused, "Make up sex!"

Both of them laughed hysterically while making their way back up on deck. All that remained were the three youngest crew members, who heard a mixture of grunting and yelling beyond the door.

"I thought only a male and a female could reproduce?" Chopper asked, scratching one of his antlers.

"Your right Chopper, but sometimes guys can like guys ... they are wrestling is all" Usopp explained as he began to walk away from the door.

"I thought they were having an epic fight?" Luffy asked with a slight frown of disappointment.

"I didn't know that! Why do males like males?" Chopper questioned while walking along side Ussop.

Usopp began to sweat as he put a hand to the back of his head, "Well ... ugh ... just ask Zoro or Sanji when they leave the room," he replied.

"Why don't you know the answer?" Chopper unknowingly jested.

"I see!" Luffy exclaimed as he put a fist to his palm. The two turned towards the man facing away from them, one had a look of skepticism, while the other had a thirst for knowledge. "Guys like guys because they like to wrestle and have epic fights!" he concluded, turning towards the two.

"Luffy I don't think that's the reason …" Usopp tried to argue. _This is going to be a long day ..._ he concluded.

XXXXXXXX

Slamming the kitchen doors open, Luffy's attention turned towards the two women situated at the table. "Nami meat!" Luffy yelled, seeing his navigator and archaeologist enjoying some early morning coffee.

With twitching eyebrows she turned towards him. "Do you remember what happened last night?" she asked, suggestively tapping the wooden table with a clenched fist.

"You showed him the 'fist of love'!" Franky said, getting into his signature pose.

"Do you want to get us all killed?" Usopp screamed as he hid behind the cyborg.

Nami's face immediately turned ripe as a tomato. "What the hell are you talking about?" she sheathed as she sprang to her feet; carefully keeping her face towards the ground, to hide her embarrassment. Stomping her way over with fist held high, she was ready to pummel the blue haired man until she heard the young captain's voice cut through the thin air.

"'Fist of love?' What are those?" Luffy asked while keeping his gaze firmly on the ground. Nami turned towards the young man with a gasp. She watched his rather aloof behavior.

"That's how she has been able to hurt you Luffy!" Chopper explained, showcasing his recently gathered information.

"What!?" Nami roared, staring down at the frightened reindeer. Crying his eyes out, Chopper ran away from the red head, and instead hid behind the smiling raven haired women.

"Yeah it's the same power Garp used!" Franky said, only to be silenced by the fiery red head.

"Of course!" Luffy interrupted the beating, causing the navigator to turn towards him silently. "It all makes sense now!" he asserted while spinning towards his wide eyed navigator. "We must be family!" he concluded with a huge grin, closing his eyes in the process. While his eyes were closed, he was unaware of the furious redhead breathing heavily on his face.

"We are not family!" Nami snapped as she landed a heavy fist on the top of his head.

Knocking him to the ground, Luffy held his bump as he began rolling around on the floor. Though he quickly got to his feet, gritting his teeth, he yelled, "We are family, baka!"

Luffy couldn't hold his gritted teeth for long, as he felt his cheeks begin to stretch far apart. "Don't call me baka! Baka!" she retaliated. A set of her own sharp teeth arose.

"Hogh els du u huur mee? — (How else do you hurt me)?" he attempted to retaliate, but was unable to speak coherently because of his stretched features. Staring him in the eyes for quite awhile, she eventually looked away, immediately letting go of his checks. Snapping back in place, Luffy began rubbing his bruised cheeks.

"Fist of love." Brook and Franky mused as they watched the two intently. Turning around and seeing the group of onlookers, she turned back towards Luffy whispering, "we need to talk." Without asking for permission, she grabbed his arm with shrouded eyes.

Getting dragged towards the kitchen door Luffy pleaded, "Please somebody help me! Nami is going to kill me!"

The crew members just ignored his desperate attempt, taking up seats at the kitchen table as though nothing happened. Luffy watched his hope crumble, when he felt his arm couldn't stretch anymore. With small defiant steps and whimpers, he watched his dream of having meat for breakfast shatter along with any optimism he had.

Only a few minutes later, a pair of bloody, exhausted, individuals stumbled into the room.

"Who won the wrestling match?" Chopper asked, only to receive two equally tired groans.

XXXXXXXXXX

I hope you enjoyed this one! Going to get into the nitty-gritty parts of the court case next chapter!


	6. History Repeating

Order in The Court!

Ch. 6 History Repeating

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After Chopper's latest comment, the atmosphere of the room came to a stand still. Finally the silence was broken when Zoro began to sluggishly make his way towards the kitchen table.

"Just make me a goddamn sandwich, ero cook." Zoro said as he took his seat amount the unusually quiet group.

"What do you take me for? Your slave?" Sanji questioned while attempting to pull out a new cigarette. Reaching his hand down to wear he usually kept them, he found nothing in particular. _That's strange,_ Sanji thought as he kept moving his hand around, the whole time glaring at the green haired man. When he felt himself dig particularly deep in his front pocket, his hand grasped something that was pretty hard. With the brief contact, his eyes turned into hearts as he swooned, "Mellorine!"

"You're supposed to make me a goddamn sandwich like the bitch you ar—" Zoro started, but quickly found himself without words with his mouth a gap. "Stop touching yourself!" Zoro yelled as he sprang from his chair with a huge scowl across his face.

Finally looking down, Sanji's face instantly turned back to normal when he saw what was between two of his fingers. Immediately covering up his exposed chest he sheathed, "stop staring at me! You pervert!"

Zoro's scowl became dangerously deeper as he held onto the hilts of his swords with extreme patience. "You're calling me a pervert? At least I am not a directionless dip shit like you!" Zoro shouted while pointing towards the exposed part of his suit.

"It looks like their roles have switched" Robin mused quietly with a soft smile, the youngest crew members nodding in agreement.

 _I could have sworn that was Robin-chan!_ Sanji thought bitterly, wondering why he had swooned over himself. Though at the very thought of her, his eyes turned into hearts while he began spinning in circles.

"You shitty cook …" Zoro growled with clenched teeth, taking out the blades he was struggling to withhold.

"Huh?" Sanji asked when he stopped twirling. "What are you looking at shitty Marimo?" Sanji questioned while taking another blind look for his pack of cigarettes.

"Stop doing that!" Zoro erupted as he slashed at his apathetic antagonist.

"Oh! So Sanji is the female in this relationship!" Chopper exclaimed proudly. The room became silent from his unknowing insulting rhetoric.

"No Chopper! They are both males!" Franky explained.

"Just ask Zoro! He seems especially butt hurt this morning! Yohohohoho!" Brook teased.

Turning away from the stalemate Zoro threatened in a low whisper, "Do you want to be permanently dead Brook?"

"Zoro why are you so butt hurt?" Chopper asked while walking up to the furious swordsman. The young reindeer failed to notice the demonic aura around the already infuriated man. "I get it!" Chopper exclaimed at his revelation, "You are mad because your mate won't cover himself! I read about it in modern human autonomy. Human males don't like it when their mate isn't covered, they don't want them attracting other potential mates!" Chopper concluded while looking up at the deadbeat serious man.

Choppers proud expression turned into one that was completely petrified. "Robin!" Chopper cried as he ran away from the glaring swordsman.

"Wait! Chopper!" Zoro called out to the little reindeer. His plea was not sufficient, as he felt several hands cover his body. In an instant, several bones and joints popped across his already exhausted body. With a slight frown, Robin stopped her brutal crackling. Though she kept her tight hold of him, keeping him completely still above the ground.

"Cover yourself!" Zoro yelled at the cook as he attempted to get out the raven haired woman's strong grip.

"Zoro are you blushing?" Franky asked while gazing at him with an amused smile.

"No I am not blushing! I will kill you when I get out of here!" he threatened while glaring at him with his open eye.

"Whatever you say three swordsman …" Franky implied as he took causal steps towards the kitchen table.

"Apologize to him" Robin instructed while staring down at the green haired man.

"Never in a million years! This is bull shit!" Zoro roared as he thrashed about his tight confines. "Is something going on between you and that stupid ero-cook?" he asked with a quirked brow.

After several more seconds full of popping and yelling, Robin replied. "No I don't" she answered with an unreadable expression.

"Robin-chan ..." Sanji pleaded as he got to his knees. "You don't mean that, right my sweet angel?" Sanji begged while shaking his clasped hands.

Robin didn't reply, instead she looked over to the swordsman. Lifting him more off the ground, she pointed towards the crying doctor latched onto her leg.

"Robin-chan ..." Sanji repeated over and over again, as the ordeal went on. Silent tears of defeat rolled down his face, as he began slamming the the floor with his fist.

Releasing her hold of him, Zoro fell to the floor with a slight grunt. With a sigh, Zoro lazily threw the top half of his body off the ground, watching the young reindeer come towards him. Scratching the back of his head, Zoro called out to him. "Chopper" Zoro said as he raised a hand towards him, "come here" he instructed while signaling with his fingers.

Peering behind Robin, Chopper hesitantly took a step to the side. Feeling a pat on the top of his hat, he nodded his head as he took cautious steps towards the no nonsense man. "I am sorry" Zoro grumbled as he looked towards the raven haired girl. When he saw a deep frown on her face, he reluctantly looked back towards the sad reindeer. "Chopper I didn't mean to scare you" he announced while looking the young man in the eyes. "I thought you were trying to insult me, knowing how smart and studious you are," he reasoned with a smirk.

"Idiot! Compliments don't work on me dumb ass!" Chopper denied as he danced in his flattered ways.

Looking up Zoro could see his short spoken apology had worked, as a warm unfamiliar smile formed on the raven haired girls face.

After the whole ordeal was finally settled the crew had, for once, a peaceful afternoon. This coexistence was swept away the moment the kitchen doors flung open.

"WHERE IS THE MEAT?" the captain demanded as he hurriedly ran towards the kitchen table.

His navigator held her head as she slowly entered the room. _This is going to take forever,_ she concluded, as she took the empty seat adjacent to the energetic lad.

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AN: Damn it! Not even getting to the meat of the story ... just like Oda … *cough* *cough*

 **AN (4/8/16): all chapters updated! We are ready to go again! And I take back my last AN. Dang Oda! Back at it again with the Zou arc! (if you don't get the vine reference I just made ... I don't know what to tell you XD).**


	7. I'm Calling You Out

Order in the Court

AN: Excuse about not writing, enter here. Generic gimmick to coax you into leaving a review, enter at the end of the chapter. Talking about author's angsty life, enter here. Satire about 99.99% of fanfic writers, enter here. Thinking one is funny, but not really, enter here XD

 _ **I'm Calling You Out**_

"Order in the court!" Robin said as though she knew the title of this fanfic. Breaking the fourth wall, Robin pondered, "I wonder what it would be like to write a story about this."

"Stop your blabbering!" Zoro yelled, "Hurry up so I can go drink some boos, and forget this crappy nightmare!"

"So you can dream about your kiss?" Franky butted in with a grin.

"No, so I can get his ugly ass face out of my memory!" Zoro yelled.

"You can't stop thinking about him and your guys' kiss! How romantic!" Brook cheered, clasping his bony hands, grinning alongside the aged cyborg.

"It's his fault!" Zoro said. Unknown to him, the blond shouted and pointed at him at the same time as he did. "Don't blame this on me! You're the dumbass that tripped over!" Grabbing the hilt of his katana, his adversary raised a polished dress shoe.

"Buzz off Marimo! We already settled this today!"

"And I won!" Zoro claimed, relaxing his grip on the sword. Turning away with a huff, Zoro reclined in his chair, "What are you looking at? Don't you have a mediocre show to put on?"

"Shitty Marimo …" Sanji clenched his teeth and walked the otherway. The thought of winning the case despite his nemesis being on the jury made him grin.

"Sanji," Robin announced, "since you showed some maturity just now―and because you are the plaintiff―I will allow you to choose the first witness."

"Thank you, Robin-chan~! You are the moon in my night! Shining a beloved ray upon my heart!"

"Shut the hell up!" Zoro interrupted, downing a bottle of rum.

"Robin-chan! He is drinking during the case! Take him off the jury!"

"We are pirates, we have no rules. Now shut your dumb ass up and lose the court case already."

"Shishishishishi! Sanji you look like your cooking noodles on top of your head! Look at all that smoke! Make sure to make me a bowl!" The entire crew erupted in laughter, except for the cook and redhead who had no patience for this bizarre trial.

Covering up her mouth, Robin asked, "So, Sanji. Who do you want to question first? The defense will be able to question them afterwards, so choose wisely."

Sanji slammed his fist against the table and pointed with averted eyes, "I call shitty Marimo to the stand!"

"We don't have a stand," Usopp commented.

"Then I call his drunk ass to the table!"

"Finally! Now I can get some dinner! About time you shitty cook!" Grabbing a couple more bottles near his feet, Zoro strolled over and took a seat adjacent to Robin.

"It's not time to eat or drink, you shitty bastard! I need to persecute that shitty captain of ours!"

"Feed me or I won't talk."

Seeing the dull apathetic stare in Zoro's eye, Sanji had no other choice.

"I'll make sure to put poison in your food."

"You already do."

When the crew had supper, the court resumed as the sun went down. The doors of the kitchen opened wide, allowing for a cool late night breeze.

"You may start," Robin said.

Staring at her with heart shaped eyes, Sanji swiveled over towards his enemy; eyes of love turned into eyes full of hatred. "Shitty Marimo," he smoldered, "What do you thin―?

"Not guilty," Zoro interrupted.

"Listen shit smear! I haven't even asked a single question yet! Is Luffy―?"

"Not guilty."

Tapping her gavel against the table, Robin spoke, "Zoro could you please cooperate? It would be a shame if … something were to be crushed again."

Franky bit down on his lips, a hand reaching for his missing pair in shaking fear. Staring at the raven haired women with quivering eyes, he yelled, "Don't do it, dude!"

"Yeah Zoro! I need you to be a man for big fights up ahead!" Luffy yelled. Hitting his fist against his chest like a gorilla, Luffy roared, "We gotta fight Kaido! We don't need another Nami!"

The ginger girl's demonic aura expanded across the entire room. Claws grew as her giant wings closed in on her target. "What the hell is that supposed to mean?" Nami growled, pouncing on the rubber man before he could attest for his cardinal sin―ignorance .

Watching his captain getting devoured by the devil, Zoro leisurely gazed back onto his actual nemesis. "As if I am gonna be as weak as that shity cook," Zoro said. Despite curly brow lying about our captain, and therefore punishable for treason, Zoro understand that such judgement must be postponed. In the corner of his right eye, he could only feel pity for the captain whose fate made Dante's Inferno look like children's story. "All right. All right. Hurry up dartboard, your food is giving me the shits anyway."

Gritting his teeth, Sanji put a cigarette in his mouth with suave calmness. "Marimo," he paused, lighting his smoke, "what do you know about Luffy and Nami's relationship?"

"That Luffy is getting some, and you aren't."

The new cigarette snapped in half, dropping on the now crumb lined floor. The other half spat out in the direction of his anti hero.

"Nami, what does 'getting some mean'?" Luffy asked, gazing at her through his puffy and inflamed face beyond repair or recognition.

"Luffy, you idiot!" Nami yelled, shaking the blubber faced boy. She pinched his now normal cheeks, stretching them out. Staring into his still, curious gaze, she couldn't help but glance away. She waited for the heat between her own cheeks to disappear. "I―! You―!" she stuttered.

Regaining control of his cheeks, Luffy stepped dangerously closer. "What's wrong Nami?" Luffy asked, pinching her cheek in turn. The other hand grabbed her exposed tongue, "Cat got your tongue? Shishishishi!" Luffy laughed. The rest of the crew didn't join in his antics, they knew the dangerous voyage he found himself in. Luffy didn't have the slightest clue about the death sentence he had just accepted. A dark fog covering his vision as he entered into the heart of the jungle. The ship he steered sailed into dangerous waters that looked otherwise harmless. Wiping away a joyous tear from his grinning cheeks, Luffy could discern the cook and the swordsman arguing somewhere, but more urgent to him, he could sense the devil woman looming right over with obvious vengeance. "Uh oh." Those would be Luffy's final words, before getting dragged out of the kitchen into the crisp cool night.

"Let's pretend we didn't see that," Robin announced.

"Agreed," the rest of the crew said, hearing faint cries and whimpers through the calm night air.

"Sanji, please continue your side of the case."

"Of course, Mellorine~!" Sanji replied.

"Sanji stop! You're making your boy toy jealous!" Franky intruded, pointing at the fuming swordsman.

"Enough!" Robin yelled, interrupting the two men. Pointing at Sanji with her gavel, "Start asking questions or you forfeit the case!"

Following her direct order, Sanji cleared his throat and said, "Shitty swordsman, what were you doing on the day the crime was committed?"

"Well since I am not a dumbass like you are, I will tell you what I did today." Uncorking another bottle of alcohol, Zoro said, "I woke up sometime in the afternoon, can't remember when." Scratching his head before taking a swig, he said, "I did my daily routine. I went down the crow's nest and went to the kitchen. Nobody was in it besides the crappy cook, who we should replace. I then had terrible breakfast, and when I complained that the food tasted like left over dog shit, I got kicked out of the kitchen. I don't know why." Nodding his head towards the cook with a who was slowly losing his shit, Zoro gave him a _fight me_ grin, before tipping his drink back. Wiping his lips, Zoro continued, "After having that terrible meal like usual, I went back up the crow's nest. I figured I should workout harder than usual considering Wano is approaching, and I can't let my captain down when the time comes. It's my responsibility as the vice captain, but I know curly brow doesn't have that same kind of commitment I do, do you?"

Slamming his hands on the table, Sanji yelled, "Objection! What the hell do you you mean cactus fuzz?

"That you don't have to protect the crew. You are too weak to do so on your own. That's why you are attacking my captain." Standing up straight now, Zoro proclaimed, "You don't have the same loyalty, I do." The room went quiet after that last statement.

"You think I am not loyal to the crew?" Sanji asked, the cigarette sliding out.

"That's right. All you want to do is chase skirts and cause problems. Look what happened at Zoa."

"I did it to protect the crew, shitty Marimo …" though the words lost malice at the end. Slamming his hands on the table, Sanji pointed at the swordsman, "There is clear collusion between the witness and the shitty captain on trial, and I am going to prove it!"

"Prove, what? That you are not only a shit cook, but an even worse liar than Ussop?"

"Hey! I don't lie!" Usopp yelled, puffing out his chest, he pointed at himself as though the center of the case, "the truth is just too much too handle." Pinocchio's lie turned into a Communist manifesto, "Just like that time I saved the entire world from the World Government!"

Everyone rolled their eyes, except for Chopper who thought he was a goddamn saint, "Really! Then why didn't you come with us to Whole Cake Island to get Sanji? You would have easily beat Big Mom!"

"Long nose didn't go because he is a coward and a liar, Chopper" Zoro complained.

If Brook still had eyes, they would have shot open. "Don't attack the members of the jury!" Brook yelled.

Tapping her gavel, Robin said, "Brook, you're not allowed to talk during the prosecution interrogation."

"But that's not fair!" Brook cried.

"Life's not fair," Zoro responded.

"But I don't have a life! Skull Joke! Yohohohoho!"

"You sure don't, Brook! All you do is go around sniffing panties all day!" Sanji yelled.

"You hypocrite!" Franky added. (AN: unironically lol)

The cook made his rebuttal, fixing his tie. "Screw you Franky! I am no pervert, I am a gentleman!"

"But what about those magazines I found in your locker?" Sanji went silent, turning towards the little reindeer who ratted him out. "It had some really dirty pictures in there!"

The entire crew laughed at the news, all except the cook with a dark aurora forming around him and the reindeer. He stared at him with vacant eyes. "Looks like we ran out of food," Sanji said, raising two forks into the air, "better eat our emergency food supply!" Before he could reach Chopper, Sanji got lifted into the air.

"I'm not food!" Chopper cried, running away behind Robin.

When his bones popped and broke in his body, Sanji realized he fought a losing battle. If he wanted to win this, he would need to convince both Chopper and Usopp, Marimo was off the table.

Getting off the ground, Sanji dusted himself off. "I didn't mean to say that Chopper! Tell you what, I will make you an ice-cream sundae tonight!"

"Ice-cream sundae?!" Chopper and somebody else yelled. The whole crew glanced at the open door, standing there was their captain illuminated in the faint moonlight. "Sanji, why are you making him some and not for me?" Glancing outside the kitchen, Luffy's eyes went wide with terror. He dashed into the room, hiding behind Zoro. "Please no more!" Luffy cried, as he glanced over the swordsman's shoulder.

A stomping beast could be heard in front of his irritated crewmate. "Luffy, where the hell are you!" the navigator roared.

Sweating and breathing profusely when he realized he would get caught, he improvised the best he could. Forcefully grabbing Zoro's arms, the captain used his inhuman strength to move his body around like a rag doll. "I don't know where Luffy is! I am a raging alcoholic!" Unknown to the puppeteer, the green haired doll's face had gone dark, gritting his teeth down to suppress his rage. "I'm going to be the greatest swordsman in the world!" he proclaimed with his horrible impersonation.

"Luffy, did you honestly think you could get away?"

Stopping everything he was doing, Luffy shoved the swordsman's face against the table as he tried to make a run for the medical bay.

Turning the knob, bits of his hair fell off as a sword pierced the door next to his head. "Where the hell do you think your going after saying that kinda shit?"

"I didn't mean t―!" Luffy tried to explain until he caught sight of the redhead. Before she could reach him, he opened the door and slipped inside. Unknown to him, the former master thief slipped in the room at the same time.

All sorts of noises erupted from the dim room, though everyone's attention went back to the case at hand. Sanji took out another cigarette, lighting the cancer stick between his palms, he turned towards his nemesis.

"Shitty Marimo, what motive did you have coming into the laundry room? Or where you trying to cover up your captain's evidence. You seem to be quite fond of him."

The swordsman's brows scrunched up again, yelling, "I respect the man. But I didn't do anything. As far as I know, shitty cook, you could be starting shit to get back at the captain."

"What would I be getting him back for?" Sanji demanded, "There is nothing that shitty captain has that I don't."

"Well for one he has gotten more women than you have ever gotten in your life," Zoro implied, "better stick to your right hand."

"Shut the hell up Marimo! When I am done with you, I will have my right foot up your ass!"

"Oh kinky," Brook interrupted. The two stopped their bitter rivalry and turned towards their agitator. Though as they did, two taps of the gavel stopped them from moving. Staring down their brainless crewmate, they returned to their questioning.

"At the scene of the crime, what did you notice?" Sanji asked.

"I noticed you smearing your ugly ass face against my clothing!" Zoro yelled.

"Why are you getting so defensive? I suspect that you are an accomplice of Luffy." Stepping away from the furious man, Sanji walked around the table, and talked to his audience. "Shitty Marimo gets butt hurt every time the evidence comes up. I am led to believe that cactus fuzz played a significant role in this case." Strolling back around the dinner table, Sanji walked up to Robin, handing her a rose from inside his sleeve. "Robin-chan. Can I please ask this shitty bastard more questions?"

"He probably grew that rose with the shit that comes out of his mouth," said Zoro.

"Continue," Robin said, taking the flower without a romantic gesture. Sanji waved it off in his delusional head, thinking that she must be flabbergasted.

Turning around, Sanji stuck his chest out with such vanity that the crew rolled their eyes. "Robin-chan, the beautiful maiden of the night, and I, her knight in shining armor! Here to rescue her from all you shitty imbeciles! She has given me the privilege of continuing this grotesque case!" When Sanji finally came back around, his chest deflated. "Why the hell are you sleeping!" Sanji roared.

Opening up his eye, Zoro yawned and reclined in his chair. "Because you are boring as shit and I know you are gonna lose. So I figured I might as well get some sleep, since anything is better than letting my ears bleed from listening to you."

"Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that just came out of your mouth?"

"No. But I wasn't born with enough middle fingers to let you know how I feel about you."

"At this point I'm just jealous of all the people that haven't met you." Sanji said as he flicked the cigarette into an ashtray.

Grabbing another bottle, Zoro shrugged his shoulders. "I'd like to see things from your point of view, but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass."

Sanji opened his mouth to rebuttal, but Robin stopped him with a quick slam of the hammer. "I think your time is up, Sanji. Brook present your ca―"

"What?" Sanji yelled.

"Oi. Stop pmsing and get over yourself. Everyone is waiting for this to end, but you keep wasting people's time!"

"Am I, Marimo?" Sanji asked.

The sudden calm question threw him off, "What the hell are you getting at? You wasted your useless time!"

"You seem to be the only one in the room complaining." Beside the rubbery captain's desperate cries for help in the other room, nobody could argue with him. "I am a hundred percent sure you are an accomplice."

"You can't claim I'm involved on those grounds! I'm the one who is getting irritated because you won't shut the hell up!"

"Again. The shitty cactus is being a prick." Walking up to the two young jury members, Sanji said, "We all know how loyal he is to Luffy. I don't think Marimo is the main criminal because he likes playing with swords all day, and Luffy already self incriminated himself." Strolling over to the fridge, two giant ice cream sundaes of all sort of flavors got placed in front of the two youngest crew members. "What do you guys think?"

"More ice cream?! Sanji you are the best!" they yelled in tandem. Diving into the sweet treat, they said, "This is amazing!"

"You can't bribe them!" Brook cried.

"Why didn't you give me any!" Zoro complained.

"Perhaps I will give you some if you admit to being involved …"

"Yeah he will _give you some_ …" Franky muttered, as his dream of a ice cream Cola float got ruined.

"Life's not fair." Luffy cried, behind closed doors. The young captain could only listen as his precious ice cream was consumed by someone other than him.

 _ **When You're Young ...**_

AN: Foremost, I apologize for neglecting the reader's desire for this particular story.

Furthermore, I must address an imperative paradigm that faces the longevity of this novela. This apparent dilemma, with which I am referring to, is the seemingly blatant imbalance between the comedic and romantic themes that are the prefix for this literature. Therefore, a sacrifice shall occur, in order for the audience to fully the experience the vision with which I originally intended for this story to follow …

In simple terms: it is difficult to be funny while advancing the plot at the same time lol The main point of this story is to be a funny LuNa story with evidence for the pairing riddled in. Additionally, I just wanted to talk in superfluous language for shits and giggles XD


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